Surviving the Dreadmill

It’s inevitable that if you run in the Midwest and have a modicum of common sense, you will eventually end up on the treadmill during the winter season.  I used to lack this modicum of common sense. That is, I insisted that, no matter the conditions, I had to run outside. Then one icy January morning I attempted to run 8 x 1/2 mile around my freshly glazed suburban Detroit neighborhood.

The result: I slipped while taking a tight turn and screwed up my right hip and lower back for the better part of two years. Lesson learned.

Now, living in Cincinnati, over a decade removed from my youthful indiscretion, I can pretty much guarantee that I’ll be on the dreadmill for a few runs every winter. My most recent experience led me to consider what it takes to have the best treadmill experience possible:

1. Great Music

When it comes music and running, I generally abstain. The two exceptions are: (1) when it’s the only thing that will get me out the door, and (2) when I’m running on the treadmill.

This week I’ve been listening to the Notorious xx while logging my miles. This album is perfect for treadmill running, as the ethereal beats encourage the mind to wander and forget that the body is going nowhere.  Add to this, the rugged rhymes of Notorious BIG and you’re sure to gain the necessary edge to gut out some miles.

2. Hit Some Buttons

I can’t think of anything worse than just getting on the treadmill, selecting a pace and then plodding along for an indeterminate amount of time without doing anything more.

To avoid this scenario, I try to spend every few minutes adjusting some aspect of the machine. Yesterday, I decided to speed up for one minute at the beginning of each mile. Other times, I adjust the incline and set the platform anywhere from Topeka, Kansas to Mt. Everest.

3. Have no Shame

This one is pretty easy. You’re going to be surrounded by people who are in the gym every day. They have an unspoken etiquette that mostly revolves around not sweating too much and keeping the machine at a comfortable pace.

Well, if you’re anything like me–a 30 year old white guy who sweats like a prancerciser in Hades–then people are going to stare at you as puddles of sweat accumulate around your machine. Embrace the awkwardness–you’re only going to be doing this for a couple of days.

4. Dress for Success

Did I mention this is going to be a sweatfest?

With that in mind, don’t be afraid to throw on some split shorts and a racing singlet. Any extra material is just going to end up drenched with sweat, so you might as well be comfortable. Of course people are going to stare and wonder what kind of crazy exhibitionist you are. Keep this in mind, if your gym is large enough, you’ll never see these people again, and, even if they do see you (fully dressed), they’ll never put 2 and 2 together. And even if they do put 2 and 2 together, you can tell them that you have an identical twin who is serving time for indecent exposure.

5. Stare at Yourself

Running on the treadmill can be a great opportunity to stare at yourself for hours. On one hand this could seem a little bit vain, but on the other, if you’re anything like me–a 30 year old white guy with the running form of a three-legged greyhound with arthritis–then you’ll jump at any opportunity to actually see what the hell is going on when you put one foot in front of the other.

If you put these 5 highly-specific tips to practice and you’ll be guaranteed (not really) to enjoy your next date with the dreadmill.